The baby is fine, as far as we know, growing in Holly's womb, ignorant of the turmoil just outside its cozy home, turmoil it serves as the catalyst to. All the joy and excitement of having a baby has been sucked away from me, quite possibly permanently. I would love to be a bit melodramatic, it's always a bit fun and has this great "pity me" feel to it, but it will serve no good end, thus I will be open, honest, and frank.

I re-calculated our budget, this time without Holly's income, and it is a bleak, desolate, depressing picture of despair. I want to run; I want to run, hide, disappear, and never look back nor be found again. The financial Hell-hole Holly and I only recently climbed out of looms again in our near future, only this time we cannot point to a sudden lay-off as the cause; this time we'll have to willingly jump into it . . . for an indefinite period of time. The worst part is I have not yet figured out how much the baby will cost us per month. I've heard estimates but I don't trust them. I have only figured out what our utilities, groceries, loan payments, and three "luxury" services will cost us, and this alone pushes the limit of my salary.

I've been through shock, depression, anger, despair, and then done it all over again. I've spent five hours trying to figure out how to make this problem go away. I cannot sleep and I don't want to face tomorrow, nor the next day. I am living in a society which, much to my great dismay, is now founded upon a dual-wage earning household, and witnessing my pregnant wife break down in heart-rending sobs at the prospect of giving birth to her child, then handing it over to a daycare so she can work instead of mothering her child, as has been her life-long dream, has driven me to the brink.

If God wants/loves/can use a broken and contrite heart I think I have one for Him. I've put eleven years of my life into an industry that has only brought me pain, disappointment, disillusionment, and a meagre paycheck. I finally found the best job I've ever had, and yet there exists the painful reality that I may have to leave it to take a different one, and all because of money.

I love my unborn child, but my excitement is gone. I weep inside that it is gone. I was ready to sacrifice my free-time for my child. I was ready to sacrifice portions of our finances. I was ready to make a fool of myself, in public if need be, just to bring a smile to my child's face. I am not ready to return to the cause for the hardest years of my marriage. I'm sick to my stomach over the whole thing.

God help us.